My electric utility, Great Lakes Energy, sends me Michigan Country Lines every month. I generally read it, as I am a compulsive reader, and it is a quirky publication. I am fond of quirky. This month’s Letters page has gone well beyond quirky to . . . well, you can decide for yourself.
A reader—one Michael Cromley of Afton—has written to complain about an article that apparently came down in favor of killing skunks to keep them from camping out at the old homestead. Mr. Cromley argues that if skunks “are not threatened they WILL NOT SPRAY.” He goes on to provide this handy tip:
“If a skunk goes into the house it’s easy to get them out without being sprayed. For a skunk to spray it must lift its tail and curl it over its back. Very quietly and slowly go into the room where it is and sit down in the middle of the floor. If you sit quietly the skunk will in a short time come right up to you. Quickly grab the tail and quickly lift it up so it is hanging down. In this position it can’t spray. Simply walk out into the yard and swinging it by the tail let it fly. It will hit the ground running and you’re home free. And, so is the skunk.” – Michigan Country Lines, May, 2011, page 7.
I can see a couple of flaws in this logic. First of all, if a skunk goes into my house it is going to feel threatened right off. The Cowboy has not forgotten his last experience with skunks. Neither has Miss Sadie, who would not allow him back in the dog room for days. Miss Puss will dive into the fray on general principles. You know how she is. So already we know there is not going to be much opportunity for quiet communing in the middle of the floor.
Assuming, arguendo, that a different homeowner, unburdened by a spaniel with murder in his eye, manages to grab the skunk by the tail and haul it into the air, do you think that skunk is just going to dangle there shrugging its paws? Ha. The skunk is going to squirm and slash and bite and do backflips until it can let off a bomb.
But let us imagine that the homeowner has encountered an unusually pacific skunk and manages to get it out to the back yard without incident. Now he swings it around to get up momentum and lets it fly. I can see it now. The enraged skunk will “hit the ground running” all right. It will run right back into the house, slash and burn its way through the defenders, climb up the drapes, curl its tail over its back in a decorative manner, sell it with a look, and let fly with an eyewatering stream aimed directly at the heating vent across the room.
After all that, even Maryanne Jorgensen couldn’t sell the house.
You know I like to steer you to authoritative sources in these matters, so I have done some mousing around on the internet, slowly of course. Here are some things you might like to peruse in case you are still thinking Michael might have a point.
I found the website for the Skunk Whisperer, which has this cool header:
I found a story about a kindly cop who rescued a skunk with its head stuck in a salad dressing jar. A BB gun was involved. It must be true. It was on Fox News.
I turned to my beloved Stan Tekiela. In his Mammals of Michigan Field Guide he says that the skunk will “face a predator when threatened, arch its back and raise its tail while chattering its teeth. If this does not deter the predator, it will rush forward, stomp its feet, stand on forepaws with tail elevated and spray . . . . Holding the animal by its tail off the ground will not prevent it from spraying.”
The Cowboy says he tried holding his particular skunk off the ground by its tail and Tekiela is absolutely correct. Of course, we must observe that the Cowboy is very short and thus probably not able to achieve the necessary elevation to swing and let fly, as advocated by Michael Cromley.
Torch Lake Views 
Giiid
May 14, 2011
Gerry, thank you for a good morning-laugh! Be glad the skunks can´t read. Probably can´t.
Gerry
May 14, 2011
They’re pretty clever. I wouldn’t put it past them.
Fee
May 14, 2011
Aye, like my granny said, “There’s always one”. Maybe he could film a demo and post it on the internet?
Gerry
May 14, 2011
I believe someone is bound to make one sooner or later.
kiwidutch
May 14, 2011
I’ve never seen a skunk before but at least now I have a little knowledge of what (and what not) to do should I ever meet one.
It’s probably a stupid question but is the smell really so bad?
How far does it reach when they spray and how long does it stay around? Is there an anti-spray or compound that neutralities the smell available?
The skunk in the photo looks like a sweet creature, are they calm or aggressive animals, or only aggressive when they feel threatened?
As for the letter writer: evict them by all means if they are so bad, but swinging by the tail? ouch, seems to be unnecessary heavy force to me and I would think that Mr Skunk would be more than happy to leave on his own accord if asked politely, no?
Gerry
May 14, 2011
Yes, the smell is eye-wateringly awful, and it lingers for days and days. According to my beloved Stan Tekiela the skunk can spray 5-6 bursts up to 15 feet (4.5 meters) “with surprising accuracy.” Think of the skunk’s apparatus as a sort of Star Wars ray gun. There are numerous recipes for stench removal and I have tried them all. They offer some improvement, although I suspect mostly what they accomplish is to spread the awfulness around, moving it from spaniels to dogwashing clothes and towels.
Anyone who devises a truly effective neutralizer could become financially secure overnight and achieve sainthood in only a little more time.
Skunks are sweet creatures. Their only flaw, really, is that they insist on nesting under decks and in foundations and behind garages. They don’t spray unless they’re threatened, but they stink even when they’re completely at peace.
In defense of the letter writer, his intention was to offer a gentler eviction than shooting the skunk, which was apparently what the earlier article advocated. Personally, I prefer to discourage the skunks with the judicious application of mothballs around the perimeter. For some reason they seem to be put off by the smell, which strikes me as an astonishing irony.
There is, however, no defense against spaniels who are determined to be skunked.
kiwidutch
May 14, 2011
A skunk that can spray a hideous oder that lasts for days but can’t put up with the smell of mothballs? Now THAT IS the height of irony LOL.
The spray can reach 4.5 meters? wow… skunks, you have my Respect!
Spaniels are not known for their genius, a friend of mine in NZ had one and the vets bill when the dog decided to go after a hedgehog, not just once but twice, and tackle a cornered stoat another time was not pretty. Neither was the dog after any of these events.
Our Cat in NZ took on a stoat once… I don’t know how the stoat got off but she ended up at the vets with some amazingly deep bite marks and if you saw her walk three steps it was clear she really hurt. It never happened a second time though, she learned the hard way.
With this phrase: “Anyone who devises a truly effective neutralizer could become financially secure overnight and achieve sainthood in only a little more time.” you should launch your inventive streak and let out your inner entrepreneur. Who do skunks say away from? and what does this other beast smell like? Capture that smell and you could be onto a winner my friend.
Hmm, it might well be the funniest thing on the internet to see someone even *attempting* get grab a skunk by the tail LOL, as long as smell-o-vision hasn’t been invented though, the joke would be lost on me, not at all knowing the smell that would surely emerge during the catch process.
I have however learned all I know about skunks! Cool! Thank You!
Gerry
May 14, 2011
We live to serve. Thank goodness we don’t have hedgehogs. We do have stoats. We call them weasels and the less said about them the better.
P.j. grath
May 14, 2011
Gerry, thank you for a health-giving dose of hearty, loud laughter this morning. David and Sarah think I have lost my mind, but wait until they hear this story!
Gerry
May 14, 2011
I have to admit I wondered if the letter had been intended for the April Fool issue. It’s exactly the sort of thing I’d come up with myself.
Sybil
May 14, 2011
What a hoot ! I’d like to see someone try this and then post the results on “Youtube”.
I’m sure you’re right about Fox News. They would NEVER broadcast inaccuracies ! (BTW I’m in Canada and I see the humour in your remark. Their reputation crosses borders).
Gerry
May 14, 2011
I have a suspicion that it might be difficult to obtain a skunk’s cooperation for the filming.
uphilldowndale
May 14, 2011
Oh Gerry I am shaking with laughter, but I must stifle the sound, I am acting as ‘study buddy’ to Tom who is revising for exams, he thinks I am writing a report on something that is no laughing matter at all. I mustn’t distract him it has taken me too long to get him to the desk… but I’m not sure I can keep this post to myself for very long.
(Fox News dubious reputation has got as far as the UK)
Gerry
May 14, 2011
Isn’t that always the way? Tumble to a good skunk story just as you’re supposed to be soberly tending to business?
As for Fox News, it is like the skunk in that its bluegray cloud of stench precedes it. But the comparison is unfair to the skunk.
Dawn
May 14, 2011
You have me laughing out loud and reading portions to my husband…who hates Fox News and to a lessor degree skunks. Someday I’ll post about our first “transferring skunk from under deck out to somewhere else’ story.
Gerry
May 14, 2011
The Cowboy is particularly interested in the skunk transfer story, and in the mechanics of skunk removal generally.
Katherine
May 14, 2011
No, I doubt even you could make this up!! That is hysterical Gerry and I too would love to see that on YouTube.
Having been in the “biz” of animal control once in my life, what I was taught is that a skunk will not spray unless it can see what it is spraying therefore you need to get them into a trap (a LIVE trap) then you take a blanket and put it over the trap and pick it up. If the skunk is inside and if you have no trap you can also use a box that you have securely taped shut and cut a flap into for the entrance. Then and make sure there are lights on. The skunk will seek the darkest place it can find, hopefully that’s the box. Then you can pick it up after you’ve taped the hole shut. Take the box outside and leave it there and the skunk will eventually leave the box. I’ve gotten skunks out of houses, resturants, and once out of a dry swimming pool this way.
Gerry
May 14, 2011
Katherine I am astonished. I had no idea you possessed this particular expertise. You are a woman of depth and courage. Wait, wait – a restaurant?!?! Now that must have been exciting. Why don’t people ever make movies about real-life adventures like this?
Katherine
May 14, 2011
Forgot that you have to open the flap back up after the box is outside.
Gerry
May 14, 2011
I’m going to trust that you always remembered that part when you were transporting the skunks. It would be just like me to forget that in the stress of the moment.
Anonymous Dadufo
May 14, 2011
Places and names must remain anonymous to avoid the possibility of paying the motel for damages.
On a return trip from Seattle to Salt Lake, my wife and daughter stopped late in the night at a motel. After unloading the suitcases and attempting to leash the German Shepherd Cleo, Cleo broke away, and disappeared around the corner of the building . Although she had a keen sense of smell, she did not distinguish good smell from bad odor. She returned shortly. After application of several small cans of V-8 and using all the hotel shampoo, a loaded van resumed the journey with windows open and fans blowing. Weeks later, the van still smelled of Cleo’s misadventure.
At least porcupine quills can be removed and have no odor.
Gerry
May 14, 2011
I believe I know these people. Someday I will have to tell you, very confidentially, of the Texas Absconding.
Lauren
May 14, 2011
I wish my electric utility sent me such entertainment…I only get the bill. Thank you for the laugh, Gerry.
Gerry
May 14, 2011
My electric company sends me hilarious bills, too. I laugh and laugh. Wait, wait–maybe that’s sobbing.
Heather
May 14, 2011
I read that letter as well, and also pondered whether it was meant for the April issue. I’m glad you thought to make a blog post of it!
Gerry
May 15, 2011
I noticed that none of the letters from the issue I received appear in the online version of the publication–but I’m keeping the original for my scrapbook!
Katherine
May 15, 2011
The best thing for skunk vs dog smell is equal parts of peroxide and baking soda with some dish soap thrown in… works better than tomato juice and it doesn’t turn your dog pink. We’ve had quite a few skunk/dog mix ups here.
Speaking of electric bills the last time I opened one it almost gave me heart failure… over $400. After several hundreds of long minutes on hold listening to 1001 strings play Led Zeppelin, or some such, it was discovered they had read the meter wrong thankyoudeargod!
Gerry
May 15, 2011
That’s the recipe Arline Westhoven gave me, too, except hers adds lemon juice. Stirring up the potion was an adventure in itself.
Karma
May 15, 2011
This was pretty darn funny to read this morning. I have this ridiculous picture in my head of a person sitting calmly and quietly in the middle of the room while a skunk peruses it! Not terribly likely, is it? Miss Daphne has also learned her lesson with skunks (before Teddy joined our family), several Christmases ago and her owner was not bright enough to keep her out of the house at the time. It was a sad story of woe and fighting stink before the family gathered in this very house for Christmas dinner. Teddy has never met a skunk, and I truly hope it stays that way, as I’m sure the consequences of such a meeting would be dire.
Gerry
May 15, 2011
You know, I can even imagine a person remaining calm and sitting quietly while a skunk ambles around the room. Not this person, of course, but a hypothetical person. What I cannot imagine is the hypothetical person reaching out and hoisting the skunk into the air by its tail. No indeed, my imagination fails me right there.
Katherine
May 15, 2011
It amazes me to think there are people in this world who have not had the pleasure of ever smelling a skunk, much less the pleasure of waking up at 3 a.m having to give a very unhappy dog a bath, outdoors, with freezing cold water, in bare feet, while trying not to get shaken upon!!!
Gerry
May 15, 2011
See, there are a lot of advantages to living in the U.K. National Health, no skunks. But I would miss the adventures of Life Up North.
La Mirada Bob
May 15, 2011
For anyone who really wants to learn what a skunk smells like, order a tiny vial of scent from your nearest sporting goods store, such as this one in Rhinelander, Wisconsin.
Gerry
May 16, 2011
OK, so I sent off an email to La Mirada Bob entitled “Um, link?” Poor Rhinelander, held up to ridicule the world over for shooting muskies and keeping a freezer as a tourist attraction. Now the worldwide source of skunk stench—did we but have a link. Here is his response:
Begging the question of why . . . and, and, well, of course it smelled terrible were you expecting something else???
chlost
May 15, 2011
Very cute story. We know when it is spring when the skunk smell is in the air.
Gerry
May 15, 2011
Gee, I usually rely on the sound of spring peepers in the wetlands!
Joss
May 16, 2011
Hi there, Gerry. I know you from Mrs UHDD’s blog, from whence I have just been directed to your post about the skunk. Great story, and great writing. It’s nice to see the Cowboy and Miss Sadie on their home turf. We don’t have skunks here, but we do have cats. The smell of cat pee can linger for a lot longer than ‘days and days’, as you probably know. We used to have a cat who started marking his territory when another male cat came to live with us. Even though both cats have been dead, and buried, for about three years now, we still get a whiff of them from time to time. Particularly when my partner takes his cello out of its case. The cat must have peed on the both the handle and the catches. Once the smell gets on his left hand it ruins his evening, as this is the hand closest to a cellist’s nose! I’ll go off now and have nosy round to see what else you have here. Au revoir!
Gerry
May 16, 2011
Thank you so much, and welcome. I had completely overlooked the possibility that cats might trump skunks in the stench department, but I take your point. I once visited a sister who shall be nameless in a city far, far away. Her cats seemed to like me, but one of them took a notion to “mark” my suitcase. This was the occasion for much hilarity–you’d really have to know my family to understand–but let’s just say that my sympathies are with the cellist.
Katherine
May 16, 2011
It may be a stupid question but, WHY would anyone need skunk scent (other than another skunk)?
Gerry
May 16, 2011
There are no stupid questions. There are, however, astonishing answers. A person needs skunk scent if a person plans to go deer hunting and wishes to disguise the scent of Predatory Human. (If you have ever been in the vicinity of guys coming in from deer camp, you will understand why they need a powerful coverup to fool the deer.) There are some skunk scent preparations that come in two parts, separately bottled, like that epoxy glue that you mix up at the last minute before gluing yourself to something. One hunter wrote on a forum, “I have learned to carry the bottles in separate pockets.” Well I guess so.
Apparently deer are not afraid of skunks. Although now that I think of it, they might be learning, gradually, to distrust the scent. One day we may be able to protect our gardens with a judicious application of skunk scent.
Anna
May 16, 2011
Wa-ha-ha! What an enjoyable skunk post!
So…“Quickly grab the tail and quickly lift it up so it is hanging down. In this position it can’t spray. Simply walk out into the yard and swinging it by the tail let it fly.” Truly…. Really? I don’t think so. A biting, spraying, flying skunk for sure. I’ve been up-close to skunks, and that is just taking a chance. Who knows a skunk’s mind to spray or not to spray? I would not sit quietly for it to come up to me and grab it though. LOL
Gerry
May 16, 2011
Um, I would not either.
Gerry
May 15, 2011
Oh my, company’s coming. Miss Sadie, please take the Cowboy out on the deck and give him a thorough washing. Mustn’t have people thinking we live like the rustics we are.